The Step Before Self- Help

Most self help strategies hinge upon getting you to “do” things; keep diaries, record mood swings, learn coping strategies, re-frame negative thoughts and the like. I think all of these are useful but all overlook one important, primary foundation stone, taught in lesson one (or so it should be) to all counsellors, life coaches and therapists on any training program in the world…the art of listening. Why, should it be different for self-help? When was the last time you really listened to yourself?

Life tends to be so rushed, and we tend to be so bad at listening that often we misunderstand what is wrong in the first place. We deal in headlines… “I’m depressed”, “my relationship isn’t working”, “I can’t stop smoking” which often, only, tells a small part of the story.

A much better place to start, rather than grabbing a quick headline and rushing straight into the deep end of self help, is to spend a while listening to yourself.

Imagine that whatever is troubling you, be it big or small, is not the real problem. Imagine that the real cause of whatever is going on is lying hidden beneath the headlines, like a story in invisible ink. Good counselling makes this story clearer to see, but anyone can do it for themselves…you just need to listen, and be honest with yourself.

If I had a pound or a dollar or a euro for every time someone realised that their problem was not their relationship but their self esteem, or was not their addiction to unhealthy food but an unhealthy relationship with themselves or any one of a million mis-diagnosed problems, I would have a big bag full of miscellaneous cash. We aren’t very good at listening; to ourselves, or others.

How to Listen to Yourself

Practice on other people. When a person is speaking to you, don’t worry about what you are going to say back, don’t even think about what you want to say, but concentrate very hard on what they are saying to you and try to understand it on these different levels. Listening works on four levels:

• Understanding the words being said to you.
• Understanding the whole context…the general gist.
• Understanding how the person is feeling.
• Understanding what the person is meaning.

If you can start doing this for yourself then you will be a long way to understanding what the real problem is and what it is you have to do next. Identifying the real problem by accurate listening is the first step towards solving the problem. If you don’t really know what the problem is, how can you fix it, or expect anyone else to?

Listen to yourself more carefully than you ever have done and be honest about what the real problem is; is it really impossible to stop smoking, would you really be so much happier in a different job, is it really your relationship that’s not working…. Once you can clearly see the hidden story, when the invisible ink starts to magically transform into readable script then you are in a good place to make use of all the other self-help books, strategies and exercises. Best of luck, and get listening.

Talk again soon.

Alex.