Stuck In A Rut...How To Get Out

Change is often so very difficult for us humans, it seems to be so easy to get stuck in a rut. It should be the case that we just identify what is making us unhappy and change it. Shouldn't it?

Do you feel bored with your unfulfilling job? Do you hate your relationship, your weight or your lifestyle? Why, when these things are so blatantly obvious to us, do we still struggle to make changes? In theory it should be so straightforward, but in reality it seems to take a lifetime.

There is now an entire industry built around this conundrum with explanations that range from the impenetrable to the bizarre. This article sets out a refreshingly simple model originally devised by the eminent doctor and psychologist Dr Antony Ryle.

Dr Ryle, better known as the creator of Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) documented the endless patterns of behavior that his patients seemed to get “stuck” in. Surprisingly, he noticed that a handful of very clear patterns cropped up, with different patients, time and time again. He called these patterns Dilemmas, Snags and Traps. They tend to be circular models, which ends up feeling like being stuck on the Circle Tube Train line in London, endlessly trundling around the same old tracks and stopping at all too familiar places.

The first one of these patterns is called a Snag. This is where we are able to clearly identify where we are, whilst at the same time being able to “see” where we should be. If you feel that somewhere, someplace else in the world, is a happy you, doing things that you really want to do but are just unable to make it happen, you might well be in a Snag. This pattern is called a Snag because it feels a bit like crawling through a bramble patch, we can see the other side, where we want to be, but things just keep snagging us, and pulling us back; we lack confidence to keep on going or fear that things won’t work out as we imagine.

The second one of these patterns, Dilemmas, describes a dynamic where possible ways forward become polarized in two, equally unattractive options.  It feels impossible to choose either option as both are just as unpleasant, or involve equally difficult obstacles which effectively keeps us firmly stuck, forever looking down the double barrels of the future, not wanting to take either path. There are of course many variations of this pattern, but it often lurks around people who are stuck in high paying, but boring jobs where the only alternative is quitting and starting out in job land all over again, or, the person who oscillates in an endlessly uncomfortable pattern between married partner and “other relationship”, unable to commit to either.

The third pattern is called a Trap. If you are caught in a Trap it often will feel totally inescapable, almost suffocating. If you feel that you are caught in a “downward spiral” or a “vicious circle” you might be caught in a Trap. When we are in a trap we also learn that any attempt to make things better only makes things worse, so eventually we just give up trying altogether.

So, what to do about these unhelpful patterns of behavior that keep us stuck?

1. The first step is to identify which one is haunting us.
2. The second step is to write it out clearly, including as much detail as possible eg. I hate my job…I fantasize about giving it up…then I worry about what would happen and how I would pay the rent…then I tell myself that next year I will definitely do something different…I return to work feeling depressed and frustrated. 

After you have done this, look for ways that you could act differently, eg. I hate my job…I fantasize about giving it up…I find a good career coach. Suddenly, things will change.

Often the most important thing is breaking out of the tired and ingrained pattern that we continually travel around. Sometimes, it’s just important to get off the train rather than wait for the perfect stop.

Try writing out your own pattern that keeps you stuck and look for the weakest links where you could do something different. Remember, the longer you go around the same old tracks the harder it is to get off. Get going, and change today.

If that doesn't work contact us for more information about our Life Coaching and Life Change Holidays.